"Everything I had ever secretly held against my brother was coming out: how ugly I was and what filth I was discovering in the depths of my own impure psychologies." So says Sal Paradise toward the end of his travels in Jack Kerouac's "On the Road." I've been excited to finally read this classic, and I'm surprised I haven't read it before; Kerouac having been a major influence on my poetry. It's interesting to hear this come out of Sal's mouth...the reader expects this traveler to have formulated some deep, bohemian theories about life in the novel, but not this.
I have started wondering to what degree this comes in some form in every journey. I remember being much younger and thinking that I really could do everything right; relationship-wise, that is: I will be a nice person to everyone. I will think good thoughts about everyone. I will make all the right decisions. Obviously, you get the naivete. And these are things that I strive to do...but they can only be perfected if one becomes a hermit and interacts with no one, and in that case I don't think it really counts.
The older I get, the more aware I become of my shortcomings. And shortcomings is putting it too lightly...the filth that is in the depths of me. And instead of getting super personal on a blog, I think I'll talk in general for a minute. The idea that people are sinful and selfish creatures is so real to me. The idea that we will never get it all right is finally beginning to settle in my bones. The idea that I need a Savior not just on a lifetime basis, but a minute by minute basis is the most utterly real aspect of my life right now. I have never wanted to embrace non-order or perhaps non-beauty is a better way to put it. Growing up and even today I struggle with wanting everything to be right and good. But. This, for now until the Earth is restored, is not reality. And this is what I want to embrace and admit, even though I'm not "on the road," but rather just in my life.
Not everything is picturesque at first glance, but I think there may be a bit of beauty in the mundane, in the raw, in the un-manicured urban.